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16 funniest Ted Lasso quotes: Tea is ‘garbage water,’ and God hates tie scores


Ted Lasso is faking that pleasant expression. He thinks tea is garbage water.


Ted Lasso wasn’t hired as AFC Richmond’s head coach for his way with words. The bumbling American, played to perfection by Jason Sudeikis, was actually hired for his complete lack of soccer knowledge, though owner Rebecca Welton started to appreciate him after a while.

But Lasso is amazingly quotable, spouting his all-American wisdom about everything from soccer’s mystifying rules to England’s national beverage. As fans await the second-season premiere on July 23, here are 16 great lines from Ted himself.

Ted on soccer

Ted ruminating on the Beautiful Game
“Ties, and no playoffs. Why do you even do this?”

Ted hates ties
“If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.”

Ted really, really hates ties
“Ain’t nobody here going to kiss their sister. Which is an American phrase that I’m now realizing does not exist here, and that’s good, because it’s creepy.”

Ted can’t name many footballers
“Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo, and the fellow that bends it like himself.”

When Rebecca chirps, “you can’t keep a gaffer from his pitch”
“I am 0 for 2 in that sentence.”


“Does this explain the offside rule?”


Ted on tea

When asked how he takes his tea
“Well, usually I take it right back to the counter, because someone’s made a horrible mistake.”

Ted disagreeing with the boss
“OK, well, mark this down as the first time we disagree, then. Actually, no, second time. Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. Don’t know why you all do that.”

Is this a put-on?
“Be honest with me. It’s a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren’t around, y’all know it tastes like garbage?”

Ted on British baked goods

Ted explaining scones to his son
“That right there, that’s a scone, OK? It’s like a muffin, except it sucks all of the spit out of your mouth.”


Nate and Coach Beard are helping Ted find his way in a new country.


Ted on names

Nate gets used to his nickname
“Yeah, until we get another Nate here, I just need you to assume you’re my default Nate.”

Ted on swimwear

That’s quite the comparison
“Now listen. You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half and when it comes to locker rooms, I like them just like my mother’s bathing suits, I only wanna see ’em in one piece.”

Ted on eternity

Everybody loves Calvin and Hobbes
“What I can tell you, is with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.”

Ted on whistles

Ted tells Nate to shut it
“For the love of Meghan Markle, do not blow that whistle again.”

Ted on friends

Great use of a song lyric
“It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.”

Ted on dreams

Ted to Coach Beard as they prepare to nap on the plane
“If we see each other in our dreams, let’s goof around a bit, pretend like we don’t know each other.”

A Ted pun

Milking it
“Seen the Milk sisters anywhere? Want me to go and skim the back room?”

The second season of Ted Lasso premieres July 23 on Apple TV Plus. Here’s how to watch, and here are 9 things you might not know about the Emmy-nominated show.

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